As the days go by, it has occurred to me that the world needs someone to start straightening out the mess we’re in across the globe, we’ve got famine, we’ve got economic crisis, we’ve got war, and heck, we’ve even got rabid chimpanzee’s on Xanax munching on citizens.
Something’s got to be done and someone’s got to be hired, and since I figured I know about these problems about as much as anyone else does, I’m applying for the job, and I’ve got credentials, I’ve been told, now don’t repeat this, that I’m the descendant of the ancient Kings and Queens of Ireland. I think it was by the same lady that stole my wallet one dark night in Puerto Juarez but that’s another story, everyone knows all of us Irish have royal birthrights, just ask us. I also grew up in the good ole U.S. of A., so that means I’ve got more smarts and higher standards than anyone else, just ask any American and we’ll tell you so. And, more importantly, I’m available, work cheap and am a liberal, tree hugging anarchist until hunting season when I load my legendary side by side on the truck gun rack and go hunting with Dick Cheney for judges, while getting a bit of tan on my nape. Hell, I even have gay friends, straight friends, different color people as friends, friends with tattoos, friends without tattoos, friends that speak foreign languages, friends that went to school, friends that didn’t go to school, rich friends, poor friends, lady friends, a wife, dogs and a damn ground hog living in my backyard.
In any case, I’m sure you’ll realize that I’m the perfect person for the job.
So, without further ado, When I’m Ruler of the World;
Politically Correct people will be banned, you know these smarmy, fad ridden creatures that blow hot or cold depending on what disease of the month the talking heads are creating for popular entitlement. I’m putting peanuts on every plane, reopening bars to smokers, legalizing pot, banning sleeping with chimpanzees, disallowing any body who describes themselves as a religious zealot the right to vote, making every politician that votes to go to war an active member of the first boots to hit the ground battalion, banning cloned beef, cloned people and the artificial insemination of mice and rabbits.
When I’m Ruler of the World;
No one named Bush, Clinton, Kennedy or Rockefeller will ever be able to hold office again. I’m eliminating Kings and Queens and all the rest of their progeny along with their royal right to have a better life then the common folks that pay to support their oversized derrieres and inbred habits. We’re also going to get rid of any self aggrandized religious leaders who think that God’s plan was for all his subjects to go out and kill each other because their religion’s better than the other guys. While I’m at it I’m removing all politicians that promise to lower taxes and banning the right to vote for all the half wits who think a man or woman’s skin color, sexuality or religion has anything to do with being a capable governing administrator. People that deny climate change, peak oil, the holocaust, and their children the right to medical care will be summarily rounded up and forced to live at Chernobyl.
When I’m Ruler of the World;
Any lawsuit considered the least bit frivolous will land the attorney filing it and their client in jail for six months, you spill coffee on yourself, tough, you get bit by a mosquito on vacation, to bad, you forget your bag on the airport carousel, your problem and if your friend’s monkey bites you, bite him back. Ditsy travel writers will be actually be required to actually visit the destinations they write about and any travel writer making unfounded claims, except me, will be summarily forced to sleep with cloned Somalian hyenas bred in New Jersey before being removed from their room with a view for a lobotomized experience and a life with retired cabbage patch kids with broken I Pods thereafter.
When I’m Ruler of the World;
Already booked tourists whining about the fears of their future destination will be required to stay the hell home and learn Latin fluently before ever traveling again. Children will be banned from planes to all destinations not already famous for Mickey, Minnie, Flipper, Elvis or Dolly Parton. Any idiot who holds up an Immigration line due to lack of properly filled out paperwork will automatically be banned from that country and sent home. Any of the aforementioned Tourists refusing to tip or respond politely when customary will be forced to wait tables and drive taxi’s the rest of their vacations and folks with Bubba Kegs at All Inclusive Resorts will be given lifetime bans right after I ban All Inclusive resorts. Anyone found damaging an Eco park, cultural site or historic ruin will be dipped in concrete and made a permanent part of the park. And, anyone found feeding the bears, raising chimpanzees as pets, swimming with sharks, dolphins, whales, stingrays, rocks, crocodiles, picnicking with dingo’s, and handling poisonous snakes gets whatever happens to them and a monument to their stupidity. Same goes for Para Sailors, recreational parachuting, car rentals and people who frequent hookers and drug dealers, it’s your choice, if there’s consequences, it’s your problem not anyone else’s.
And that’s the state of Danger’s world, our mission statement for when we rule the world, the first 100 days, after that we’ll take on Wall Street, World Banks, Fast Food, Rain Forests and the Genius’ who brought us Nuclear Weapons, Brittany Spears, Flintstone Porn, tainted pet food, Mickey Rourke and Travel Fax Scams.
….I’m only a man in silly red sheets, digging for kryptonite on this one way street…